Totally made up cover band seeks professionals only (Puyallup)

We been playing for five years together and have shows booked through June.
By booked through June I mean we play for free at the coffee shop on Fridays and for free at the farmers market on Sunday.
If you don't take this schedule seriously we will bad mouth you as flakey and uncommitted.
Since we are so talented and busy we obviously have no recordings, photos, or band name to share, but I assure you we are very important.
You must have pro gear and be ready to record 72 songs in May.
This is a totally normal ask now apparently.
Remember we have tons of gigs coming up so your time commitment is worth it.
We probably won't get back to you because we don't exist, but know that our vague accomplishments and total anonymity justifies this ridiculous lists of demands.